i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize