I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
