He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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