I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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