everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
