It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
