What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
