chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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