I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
honey bunches of taint.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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