i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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