She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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