she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
