I wish I could teleport
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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