Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
