I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
