the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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