I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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