Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think i have two assholes
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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