quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
