I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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