On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
