So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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