alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
