Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
