lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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