this beer tastes like vomit already
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
