I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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