God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
