I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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