Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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