you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
