Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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