i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
