I can tuck mytits in my pants
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
