I should be sponsored by Trojan
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
