Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
