i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize