i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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