the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
