Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize