I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
