She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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