I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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