Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize