U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
