Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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