Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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