My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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