So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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