Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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