Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
