BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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