I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
