girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize