We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
this hospital has no fireball
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
