Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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