i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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