if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
