Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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