apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
