i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
