forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
