I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
